OUIJA SHARK (2019)
Directed by Brett Kelly (as Scott Patrick)
Written by David A. Lloyd
Starring Leslie Cserepy, Steph Goodwin, Kylie Gough, Robin Hodge, Staci Marie Lattery, Kyle Martellacci, John Migliore, Fiona Nelson, Amy Osborne, Christina Roman, Zoe Towne, Taryn Waldorf, Chad Walls, Simon Wheeldon, Peter Whittaker
When I hear a title like OUIJA SHARK, it’s as if my mind immediately splits into two extreme versions. One side; the less rational, fun-loving, hopeful, and chaos-embracing side, does a fist pump and bellows out “Hellz yeah!”—knowing that the film will be all sorts of bad, maybe the type of bad that it will be sort of fun to watch. At the same time, the other side; the more critical, reality-based, and snobbishly analytical side, rolls its eyes and lets out an exasperated sigh of disgust—knowing that the film will be all sorts of bad, most likely the type of bad that is a titanic chore to get through. With OUIJA SHARK, the latter wins, but there are some aspects to it that make it passably watchable.
When a bathing beauty decides to go swimming on a rocky beach alone, she stumbles upon a Ouija board floating in the water. Later, when she meets up with her other gal pals for some partying, they decide to use the Ouija board, not knowing that a powerful spirit animal (in the form of a massive Great White Shark) has attached itself to the board and is itching to get out and get its chomp on.
Made on a shoestring budget, and I mean, it most likely would cost as much as one shoestring to fund this one, OUIJA SHARK is lacking in pretty much all of the qualities that make up a watchable film. The effects are shabby—utilizing a foam puppet as the titular shark, and a drop or so of CG blood. They didn’t even have enough in the budget to travel to a spot where a shark would live as the “beach” looks like the rocky shore of Lake Erie—not your typical chomping ground for a maneater. The plot meanders all around, stopping occasionally for a bad montage of gals swimming, washing a car, or walking through the forest, set to really bad rock and roll music. There’s no tension or real lead in to the horror. People are simply walking or sitting alone, the shark appears, eats them, then we move on to a similar scene. The film ends with the feeblest attempt to be political I’ve ever seen, adding to the inanity of it all. This is the type of movies that give movies that are so bad they are good a bad name.
There are a couple of redeeming aspects. OUIJA SHARK is only about an hour and eight minutes long, so the ordeal is not prolonged. I also appreciated the use of gals who actually look like girls next door rather than the usual vapid runway models we get in bigger budgeted films. These gals look like they actually have a personality, even though the script doesn’t really provide them with one. And that’s about it as far as good points.
The potential for a lot of fun is there. Crossing a shark with a ghost could be a fun, goofy concept. Adding in babes in bikinis is always an ingredient for at least some eye candy. There are plenty of bikinis but unfortunately not much else, for those wondering. But no effort at all was made from script to production. All in all, OUIJA SHARK is not for those who won’t sacrifice good taste while watching cinema, and it’s bloodlessness, booblessness, and talentlessness is going to make it hard for those who have a looser definition of what is good or so bad it’s good.