PLEASE DON’T FEED THE CHILDREN (2024)

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Directed by Destry Allyn Spielberg.
Written by Paul Bertino.
Check out the trailer here!!

In the near future, a virus that is spread by children and turns adults into cannibals spreads across America, forcing children to be shipped off into camps and others on the run from the authorities. After a botched attempt to steal supplies goes wrong, one such group of kids attempts to find a place to hide out in an old house that looks abandoned. But the home is owned by a strange woman (DOWNTON ABBEY’s Michelle Dockery) whose kind exterior hides sinister secrets.

Proof that nepotism is alive and well, the daughter of Steven Spielberg delivers her first movie and it’s called PLEASE DON’T FEED THE CHILDREN. But I don’t want to be unfair. Just because Destry Allyn Spielberg got a leg or three up to get a movie made doesn’t mean she doesn’t have talent or vision. If I disregarded all spawn of great directors I wouldn’t have discovered Brandon Cronenberg. And while I do feel I was somewhat harsh on Max Spielberg’s first film HONEYDEW (which I’ve come to appreciate quite a bit after rewatching), I wanted to try really hard to look at PLEASE DON’T FEED THE CHILDREN through unbiased eyes, which is why I mentioned her relationship with Steven Spielberg right out the gates.

PLEASE DON’T FEED THE CHILDREN has big ideas, but instead of delving into new territory with them, the whole film falls into convention pretty soon. This isn’t necessarily Spielberg’s fault as I feel the story by Paul Bertino really isn’t fully hatched. In the opening moments, the fact that the children are carriers of this virus is told to us, but the viewer never really gets to see the virus in action until late in the film. I understand starting further in the story to get to the action. But a short montage of the way the world fell apart would have been much more entertaining than narration telling us everything we need to know. This is writing 101. I know smaller budget films require shortcuts such as this, but that’s where creativity comes in, but instead of imagination, the story goes a rather conventional route.

Now it is a cliché that every horror movie, the nice house always has a dark secret or two in their cellar. Still, it’s a concept that can be interesting if a little extra thinkin’ is put to it. Unfortunately, since cannibals are mentioned in the opening moments and no cannibals are seen throughout the entire film, the secret in the basement is pretty obvious. Same goes for the casting of the prim and proper Michelle Dockery, who basically plays a slightly more twisted version of her prim and proper character from DOWNTON ABBEY (Yes, I’ve watched the show. I can be sophisticated when I want to be). Again, maybe that’s not the director’s fault. Maybe Dockery just doesn’t have the range. Not sure. Haven’t seen her in other roles. But it’s this easy casting and lazy writing that really makes DON’T FEED THE CHILDREN unsensational.

The film has its moments. There’s a scene where the lead captured kid (played by SCARY STORIES TO TELL IN THE DARK’s Zoe Colletti) has to swim through a vat of guts which is nice and visceral. The film isn’t afraid to plot some gore to and fro, but it’s nothing that hasn’t been seen before. Colletti is a solid little actress and is able to freak out fairly well. The rest of the kids are simply one note. Giancarlo Esposito pops in as an insistent police officer after the kids but only arrives and leaves when its convenient to the plot. He pretty much snoozes through this role, even though I love the actor.

But it’s the simple things that end up kneecapping this movie. Not establishing what this virus does, why it is here, where it comes from and even what people are doing about it are unforgivable mistakes. PLEASE DON’T FEED THE CHILDREN tries to make the point of mentioning 80% of the adult population feeling unsympathetic for the children, attempting to make a vague connection between the plight of the kids and the recent immigration crisis. But that correlation really doesn’t hold water and feels like an afterthought crammed in at the last minute to make it all feel timely.

Once the kids get trapped in the house, the film starts feeling like there’s a little investment in the writing and directing department, but the writing doesn’t do enough world-building to flesh out the reason they got there. So yeah, I could blame the actors or the writer, but its ultimately the director that is supposed to steer the ship and in this first outing, Destry Allyn Spielberg hits the proverbial iceberg. This doesn’t mean I won’t check out her next movie. It’s just that if you’re going to be given the opportunity to direct a movie after two short films and have to deal with the added baggage of being a Spielberg, the first movie out of the gate better be something remarkable or you’re going to get criticized. I’m sad to say that and it might be unfair, but it’s true. I’m sorry but Spielberg was able to make a car chase interesting for an hour and a half in DUEL. PLEASE DON’T FEED THE CHILDREN never dazzles with visuals nor does it make one think or feel or startle or do anything. It’s just uninspired from minute one to the last and with the opportunities this first time feature length director was given, it should have been better.