BIGFOOT VS. D.B. COOPER (2014)

New streaming on Tubi!
Directed by David DeCoteau.
Written by David DeCoteau, Harvey Shaiman.
Starring a buncha dudes without shirts. No really. And the voices of Linnea Quigley and Eric Roberts. And Bigfoot.
Check out the trailer here!!

It’s 1971, and D.B. Cooper had committed the perfect crime. After having hijacked a plane and ransomed a large amount of money, he parachuted from said plane and was never heard from again. But what if Cooper, as he escaped over the vast forests of Washington, found himself in the path of the legendary Bigfoot?

As soon as I saw David DeCoteau’s name on the title card, I should have known what I was getting into. DeCoteau is not a good filmmaker. Well, I don’t know about that. Let’s just say, his films aren’t for me and I don’t think I’m his target audience. DeCoteau is the mastermind behind such films as EVIL EXHUMED, ASIAN GHOST STORY, and 90210 SHARK ATTACK, and he has a catalog of 182 movies under his belt, including a few PUPPETMASTER films and other Full Moon Features. But what the filmmaker is infamous for is his penchant to make films featuring numerous young men walking around shirtless in the forest and then changing into even skimpier clothes as the film goes on. I’ve unfortunately stumbled across a couple of DeCotreau’s films in my critical endeavors, all of them leaving me with the sense of desiring those precious minutes back after watching his films.

BIGFOOT VS D.B. COOPER is more of the same. The film begins with a 10-minute chore of watching a shirtless kid walking interspersed with a few POV shots of what one can assume is Bigfoot. It’s literally scene after scene of this kid walking towards the camera, over and over, set to repetitive synth music. After that slog and the title card, the kid arrives at a house and as he approaches the door, five guys, all shirtless save for one, answer the door and invite the wandering lad in. Next, we get a pair of runners, shirtless of course, jogging through the same stretch of forest while the same POV shots are shown of a stalking Bigfoot for another 10 minutes. Meanwhile, DeCotreau remembers there has to be some kind of story here and we get a little backstory about D.B. Cooper and his famous heist, but only for a brief while, because we have to get back to the cabin where the boys are getting ready to go hunting with what looks to be BB guns. This is where each of the boys, one after another, go up the stairs, enter their individual bedrooms, strip to their underwear, and strike multiple poses in front of the mirror with their guns. Each of these segments are the same and last for about five minutes each with the camera slowly panning over the half-naked dude’s body. It was at this moment, though I had inkinings of it before this moment, that I regretted clicking on this film on Tubi, though I was thankful I didn’t have to pay for it.

Look, I get it. This is cheesecake for gay men and maybe a few desperate women. It’s sort of the equivalent of porn, but isn’t there an internet for that? The thing is, there’s no nudity, save for bare chests, so I don’t even think a gay guy would be interested in this. The film seems to be an excuse for the director to get a bunch of guys to a secluded locale and have them strip in front of the camera over and over. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. Even if the lads were replaced with curvy ladies, DeCotreau’s lack of self-awareness and pacing would get tedious after a while.

The true sin of BIGFOOT VS DB COOPER is that I really like the premise of the movie. What if a guy gets away with the crime of the century only to find himself stalked by Bigfoot. That’s sounds like a damn fun time! Someone should make a movie about that sometime because this is not that movie. The idea is too good for a film like this.

Though top billed in the credits, Linnea Quigley and Eric Roberts only offer short voice overs. Hell, Linnea only gets like one line. The Bigfoot suit is baggy and looks like something bought at a second hand Spirit Halloween store. If DeCotreau would have spent half the time on the Bigfoot costume as he did zooming in on his casts’ abs, it might have looked better. And I was flabbergasted to find out that two people wrote this movie! How? How?

That’s why I’m giving BIGFOOT VS D.B. COOPER the lowest score I can imagine for a Bigfoot movie. One single toe.

Unless your idea of a good time is to stare at abs and men in their underwear for a little over an hour, steer clear of this stinker at all costs. It barely registers as an actual movie and teeters on the edge of G-rated porn.